I am able to just sit down and relax, although I’m missing the hubby. But the monster is asleep, I don’t really have anything that I ‘need’ to be doing, and bonus I have some Red Cat yay! I’ve just been texting hubby and thinking for the past hour or so. I recently went off of my birth control, not for the reason that I want to be (as in trying to conceive), but rather because my midwife suggested it when my ob-gyn had an emergency and couldn’t see me. So I went home and looked it up, after hubby gave me the ok to go off if I wanted to, even though he hates condoms. And I found about 32 reviews on webMD and the majority of them were about how Balziva, the birth control I was on, put them into a deep depression, some didn’t realize it, some thought it was in their heads and kept taking it, some went so far that they had been having thoughts about killing themselves. I looked up the side-effects and was horrified, almost everything that I had been complaining of for the past couple of months (how long I’ve been on the birth control) was right there in that list! I have been in and out of doctors offices, and for the past month specifically my ob-gyn office, and no one thought of the connection. I ask my hubby if he thinks I’m depressed and he says, “well a little”. That’s an understatement. I took the test that was linked and it said I was at a high risk for a major depression. And once I started opening my eyes and thinking and letting myself take a good look in the ‘mirror’ I found that I was depressed, really bad, I had been slipping deeper and deeper into my depression. The thing is no one, really knew how bad I was getting, my mom didn’t even know I was depressed, until I said I was forcing myself to leave the house, to get out and do things, do act like I was fine. But I was always, edgy and cranky, the wrong thing would make me burst into tears or start screaming. I took a good look at myself, and realized I wasn’t going outside as much, I wasn’t reading as much (I’m a big book-worm), and I wasn’t really taking many photographs and I’m a huge shutterbug normally. I’ve been putting things off and just shoving them away, which is so opposite of my personality. I haven’t even written anything in my son’s baby book, I haven’t put his photos into the beautiful scrapbook my friend made and gave me as a shower present, I haven’t even written in my personal journal. I think I just let myself think that it was cause of other things, that I hadn’t lost my baby weight, that I didn’t fit in any of my real clothes, that my back hurt, that I was tired, etc, etc. But I’m realizing now that maybe these things were all interconnected. So, I’m off the birth control, I’m not planning on going back on any, I’m going to see my ob-gyn and finally settle everything, and I’m going to try like hell to get back to myself. I had just found myself before I get pregnant and now I’m losing her already, and Gods be damned if I’m going to let that happen.
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